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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28998897">Mutter. Oh, gib mir Kraft.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/copingskillz/pseuds/copingskillz'>copingskillz</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Neon Genesis Evangelion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emotional Manipulation, Mommy Issues, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Motherly love, Suicide, Traumatic Brain Injury, Verbal Abuse, mothers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 11:00:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,146</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28998897</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/copingskillz/pseuds/copingskillz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I am always in the club, crying about the pain Asuka endured because she didn't know her mother loved her. Oh, how I wish I might taste that motherly redemption.<br/>Also: still figuring out how to italicize. And also how to write, generally. &lt;3</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Souryuu Asuka Langley &amp; Souryuu Kyouko Zeppelin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Mutter. Oh, gib mir Kraft.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When I first saw her, I was overwhelmed with the smell of blood. And I knew she was the beginning of a great life.</p><p>I had waited so long to hold her in my arms, to touch her with my hands. For all those months, she was sheltered away in the pit of my belly. I kept myself strong, eating the best food my salary could buy. I needed her same as she needed me. Her father didn't seem to understand my relationship with her. He was still angry with me, that her existence rendered mine useless. I could not cook him the meals he filled his heart with, nor clean every surface he took for granted, and least of all I could not be a sumptuous doll for his pleasure. It was through that role that his "accident" of Asuka came about, ruining his career and reputation. What slander he faced and feared of getting an impure woman like me knocked up.</p><p>Asuka never limited me, no matter how I had to sacrifice a part of myself to meet her. Not just my essence I invested into her creation from my flesh and blood, but what little stability I gained from my medication. Withdrawals were hell: constant nausea I needed to eat through, headaches that took me out of our body, and despair that lured me away from our lives. But, she was there inside of me; she needed me without those pills just for this time. And so I trudged on. Luckily, I no longer had to compete against the seasons. Our newly eternal summer kept the days long and bright, allowing me to glide atop the pleasantries sunlight afforded my mind. She was born in my first winter of happiness. My exceptional child of tomorrow.</p><p>It was a difficult labor, for I have always been slight and light-boned. No one but her, the doctors, midwives, and I were present. Everyone feared one or both of us might be lost. I knew we were determined to stay together, so the choice was ours of whether we should live or die. I chose to live, and I believe she knew that we could live closer if only she came through. We had to have a C-section done; and I had to stay awake while they operated and drew her out. It was some of the worst physical pain I had ever felt. But, it paled in comparison to that perpetual psychological turmoil. This pain was finite, I knew when the end would come. And when it did, I finally had her.</p><p>She was small, and so much softer than I had dreamed of. I knew, holding her in my arms for the first time, that I could never let her go. The beauty of her and the hope it filled me with, as her tiny yellow lips suckled at my breasts, it defeated all other pains. I could not remember why I had wanted to die so many times before, I could not recall why I wept at sight of the strangers in the room, and I did not notice the suture and stitches until the doctor prescribed me a month of bedrest. Despite disappointment in my body, I found myself overjoyed at the thought of time alone with Asuka. Her at my breast, our heartbeats and breathing together, skin against skin, finally equals in the world.</p><p> </p><p>To keep up appearances, her father allowed me to continue living in his estate. Behind closed doors, he never sought me out. His hands remained in reserve for his cigars, silverware, paperwork, and the well-nourished hips of his secretary. Asuka and I survived only on my salary from Gehirn, and so I was once again a working woman.</p><p>Asuka always came with me to work. Everyone at the office loved her, our bright red angel. She could often be found against my chest, held between my breast and desktop. She was more than happy to hang there all day, suckling at her whim, while I worked on endless hypotheses, analyses, and calculations for Project Eva. My desk became a curious cabinet of toys and remedies for our pains: teething, rashes, nasal clogging, chapped nipples, breast soreness. I welcomed the clutter. For once, my everyday life became decorated with purpose. I began to exist beyond the equations on my screen, and the balance in my bank account.</p><p>With Project Eva progressing according to schedule, largely thanks to my industriousness, our savings grew. My thoughts at her father's house wandered to fantasies of our own home... Somewhere towards the South, where my mother's family came from. We could celebrate the old feasts: Oktoberfest, Karnival, Weihnachten, Silvester... I could give her a childhood full of joy. There would be other children for her to play with and befriend. To share toys with. She would no longer be limited by a hateful father and the confines of his old money estate. Or maybe we could even go to Japan. None of my father's family remained, but news of Gehirn's newly established GeoFront had reached my office in Frankfurt. Some of my coworkers have mentioned another scientist there, Yui Ikari, who has a son about Asuka's age. If I were able to transfer there, I might make lasting friendships for the both of us. We could finally be free of the isolation here.</p><p> </p><p>Gehirn has denied my request for a transfer. The organization cites that my work is vital to the Project, especially as it is approaching realization faster than ever these past few years. The bioengineers have developed a functional prototype over in Japan, as well as finalizing the framework and operating systems of a test type. Knowing some of my intentions for transfer, my supervisor also informed me of an unprofessional reason for keeping me here.</p><p>"Over in the Japan branch, Nerv... You know of Yui Ikari?", she said. I nodded. Asuka was also present, clinging to my hand from where she stood. I could feel her nod as well, ever the attentive listener. I had told her of our faraway friends for many nights, trying to instill her with the motivation to catch dreams. She knew of Yui and Shinji, had even drawn some terribly sweet pictures of all of us together. "Well...", my supervisor continued, "she's been involved in a work-related accident. And her husband, the Commander at Nerv... is implicated in her death."</p><p>"Why didn't I hear of this sooner?", I asked. I was tight with anger and grief. Yui and I's correspondence had tapered off several weeks ago, but I had presumed it was due to the upcoming test experiments she was leading.</p><p>"It was, until recently, classified information. But, some mole managed to publicly leak the true events. Commander Ikari is in hot water." She sighed. "Kyoko... you are a great woman. And a wonderful scientist, and an excellent mother. I cannot in good conscience place you into that man's hands. With Yui gone, he is paramount there. I fear he can and will hurt everyone in his radius."</p><p>My muscles were no longer clenched in anger, but were frozen in fear and helplessness. Asuka cried next to me. "Mama... Mama, my hand."</p><p> </p><p>"We are moving forward with the experiment. All variables are nominal. The biomass is as stable as possible, and the core is safe. Kyoko!"</p><p>"Yes, Commander?"</p><p>"We will need you to get up close to the Evangelion and inspect it according to your standards and calculations."</p><p>"Yes, Commander."</p><p>"Mama!"</p><p>"Asuka, mein Liebchen. I need you to stay up here. Aunty Mina and Aunty Tinka will watch you, okay? I'll be back. Be a good girl, okay?"</p><p>"Yes, Mama."</p><p>Kyoko exited the bridge and made her way into the Evangelion's cage. It stood there, still lifeless. Massive, gaunt, and a vibrant red. The team had chosen it to symbolize the blood lost in their work, the blood of everything lost in Second Impact, the blood connecting Eva to Man and Man to Himself. To Kyoko, Eva was her second child. It and Asuka will grow together, ensuring one another life. Her red angels.</p><p>With her diagnostic manual in one hand, she began her examination of the Eva. The armor was perfect, without a structural flaw in sight. The eyes were clear, with no signs of degradation. The smell was fine; blood. As she approached the core, everything shifted. On the bridge, Asuka began to cry unprovoked. No one could calm her. Facing the Eva's massive heart, Kyoko heard Asuka's cry. But not from the bridge. It came from inside the core... Deep inside. And she could almost see her daughter trapped in there. She was *certain* of the source of her child's wail. She reached out, to soothe her with touch. *Don't worry, Asuka. Mama will make it better. Let Mama hold you. Everything will be okay.*</p><p>It was many long moments before anyone noticed something had happened to Kyoko amidst the panic. By the time the supervisor reached her, Kyoko was gone.</p><p> </p><p>"Asuka, why won't you eat with me anymore?", I asked. She only laid in my arms and stared blankly at me. "Asuka, don't you love Mama?"</p><p>She would not eat the food the doctor gave us. I tried to nurse her, even though she's nearly five years old; of course, she did not take. "Asuka, please. I need you to eat. If you don't eat, you'll wither. My beautiful sunflower, please stand strong." Her mouth did not open. Not to eat, not to speak to me. Where has my daughter gone? She once loved me. She once could never stop speaking to me, jabbering about everything she saw and sharing everything she knew. Why doesn't my Asuka know anything anymore?</p><p>The other girl is there, again. The one from inside the core. The one who *tricked me*. All she does is stand there, watching me. Probably laughing at us! She's managed to destroy my Asuka! Now all I have is this *doll! *A lifeless facsimile.</p><p>"Asuka, you are going to make Mama cry. Don't you know how much I love you? Don't you know I would do anything for you? We are supposed to be together. I waited so long for you; we fought death to be together in life. Please don't abandon me, my Asuka. Please don't leave Mama. Don't leave me..." Kyoko cried. Her tears staining the linen face of Asuka.</p><p>"Where has my Mama gone?", the looking girl asked. Her eyes shifted focus in the glass, no longer seeing Kyoko and the doll. Now, all she saw was herself standing alone in a blank world. She decided, without Mama she would need no one else. There was no one else she could possibly love, even at a partial amount of what she felt for her mother. No more Yui, no more Shinji; no Bayern, no Tokyo. Only a girl against the world.</p><p> </p><p>For months, Kyoko cried over her linen Asuka. And for months, her Asuka maintained its vow of silence. Save for the nighttime, when it would whisper to Kyoko. It could not whisper in the day, because the laughing girl would know she failed to split mother and daughter apart. Every night she told Mama things only she would hear.</p><p>"Mama, you are the worst. If you were a good Mama you would know how to fix me. But, you don't. All you do is cry. All you do is whine. You can't even protect us from that laughing girl. Daddy was right about you; you're worthless. Look, I am broken. YOU MADE ME AND YOU FAILED. I would leave you if I could, but I still care about you. You are terrible, but you need me here to save you. How can you measure yourself without me?</p><p>"This isn't life, Mama. Neither of us is living anymore. We fought for life together, don't you think it's time we lose to death together?"</p><p> </p><p>*Asuka... Asuka... My darling Asuka... I can't live to disappoint you. I can't live... you. Asuka, Asuka... die with me, Asuka.*</p><p>Finally, Asuka cried in Kyoko's arms. But the sound, it came from behind, the source down the hall. Kyoko prepared her noose, and the one for her daughter. She kicked away the chair.*Asuka, we are dying together. I love you.* In the doorway stood the doll, the laughing girl. She cried with her mother's last breaths, and Asuka hung silently.</p><p> </p><p>When I first saw her, I was overwhelmed with the smell of blood. And I knew she was the end of a great life. My heart hung from the ceiling with her, but I could not reach to bring them down. My love could not reach her, but I knew hers. We were finally separate, for the first time in our lives. But truly, that doll had separated us for some time.</p>
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